Support.

  I'm blogging from the cozy queen sized bed in my sister's guest room tonight.  Feeling sad and grateful and happy and tired and lonely and cozy.  Is it normal to feel all those emotions at once? I'm really missing Matt right now.  After a yummy dinner at my sister Lara's house everyone snuggled down to watch Willy Wonka (not the weird Johnny Depp one...) and I felt sad.  I wanted to snuggle into Matt's arm and watch it too.  Instead I snuck upstairs and caught up on the latest episode of Nashville (guilty pleasure). I'm sure it's the holidays around the corner that bring hot stinging tears to my eyes while I think about Matt lately. The past 11 years together have left me feeling like I'm not quite whole when we are apart, which has been too often this year.  This brings me to my family.....
  It's amazing how the blessings pour in and help to fill up the sadness.  The week I was preparing to leave Oklahoma and come to Lara's house I got a phone call from her.  She was letting me know Steve (her husband) wanted to fly out to Oklahoma and drive the kids and I back to their house in Utah so I wouldn't have to drive alone.  Who does that? Steve, that's who.  It was like a million pounds were lifted off of my shoulders.  I've been at Lara's for a little over a week and it has been so wonderful.  The kids have been having such a great time with their cousins and I've loved being with 2 of my sisters.
   I'm so glad my Mom was thoughtful enough to give me 4 sisters, and Daniel was thoughtful enough to add a 5th.  Living away from them makes me so sad and I have daydreams about all of us living on the same street.  There's a set of sisters in our neighborhood who built their houses next door to each other and their kids can run back and forth between their homes through their backyards.  I am secretly SUPER jealous of them.  I want that.
   I'm feeling very rambly and scattered right now.....so I guess this is the point I'm trying to make.  I'm having a hard time and really missing Matt.  However, I've been so blessed by family and friends to feel like I don't have to carry the burden alone.  Every direction I turn my life is being blessed by others.  I don't know what I've done to have so many people in my life who care about us.....but I'm grateful.

Homeschool update:
The good: my kids are so easy to teach! We have been able to come to Lara's house for a few weeks and just bring school with us.  Get our work done in the mornings and play all day! Couldn't do that if it weren't for the freedom of homeschooling.  I'm loving most of the curriculum we are using and I'm so impressed with how fast they learn.
The bad: not much to report.  It has been a slight battle to get them to do school while we are on vacation.  It's getting easier being with them so much, but still is not something I'm totally used to.
The ugly: I'm pretty sure my face wrinkles have doubled in the past 2 months.

Macaroni

 Tonight I stood over the garbage can, giant pot of 3 hour old macaroni and cheese and giant serving spoon in hand, shoveling that cold mac n cheese into my mouth....off of the giant spoon.  A spoon so big I had to open my mouth as BIG as it would go to eat off of it.  I had walked over to the garbage originally with the intention of scraping the old leftovers out of the pot and into the trash....but as I looked down at that cold macaroni my stomach growled and I realized I was SO hungry.  Like, I need to eat this cold nasty old dinner right this second kind of hungry.  Like I've been lost in the woods for three days with no food kind of hungry.  Tonight was my second time making that Kraft delectable delight since Matt left....yesterday.  So yeah, things are going good. 
   As I inhaled my cold pot-over-the-trashcan dinner I thought to myself, "what brought me here?" Then I remembered what brought me here:
1 bowl of cereal thrown on the floor this morning
25ish 2 year old temper tantrums
3 cups of water dumped on the floor that were found on the counter by said 2 year old
10ish screaming matches between Hallie and Chase
1 hour of time-out for Hallie and Chase
3 loads of laundry washed, folded and put away
3 toilets scrubbed
1 little boy's closet sorted though with clothes that are too small stored
2 children home schooled
3 stinky diapers
2 loads of dishes
3 pumpkins painted
1 shower for Mom
2 hours of fun with friends
2 trips to sonic for diet cokes
20 different items finally put in the attic where they belong
1 chat with Matt who arrived at his destination safely
3 children bathed, teeth brushed, jammied, and into bed
3 sets of prayers
1 scripture study
2 sets of crying children who miss their Dad
3 sets of kisses
3 sets of hugs
....................and a partridge in a pear tree

I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

 Lets dig right into it.  We have withdrawn our kids from public school and started on a home school journey.  Before I tell you how it's going let me tell you how I came to this decision. 

  I have been interested in, and tossing around the idea of, home school for about a year now.  No particular reason why....just kept popping up in my thought process.  Every time I began to consider this as an option the self doubt crept in telling me, "you can't teach your kids! You're not a teacher!" and "You can't teach your kids! You got kicked out of college!" and "You can't teach your kids!  You would kill them if you were with them that much." and "You can't home school, your kids will be social weirdos!"  As each of these negative thoughts entered my mind, it confirmed to me that homeschooling was just not for us.  Plus, they both loved school....no point in messing with that.  So for a year I managed to successfully talk myself into staying with the public school system. 
  This school year however things started to change.  Hallie's school last year was kindergarten through second grade.  This year, she moved to the school next door which is for third, fourth and fifth graders.  From the first day of school there was a change in her.  Previously she had breezed through school, always testing waaaay above grade level and loved by her teachers for her happy, positive attitude.  All of a sudden she was overwhelmed and frustrated with math.  She would come home and spend hours trying to do her homework with Matt or I helping.  Matt would get frustrated because he didn't understand what was expected in the homework and ask me to take over.  I would take over and be just as confused as Hallie.  It was a nightmare.  I wrote to her teacher (who I love and is an excellent teacher) and she said this was all new to her also, all the kids were struggling.  Hallie would be up every morning at 7:30am, out the door by 8:00, home at 4:00, chores, dinner, piano, homework, shower, scripture study, prayers, teeth, bed by 7:30.  Rinse and repeat. She was scheduled from the time she rose in the morning, until her head hit the pillow at night. Everyday I would get a phone call from the office that Hallie was in the nurses office with a headache.  Days of tests she would be a nervous wreck, leaving the house in tears for fear of failing.  My daughter had gone from a child who LOVED school.....to a child who was having panic attacks on a daily basis.  She was a stressed out mess.
    At the same time she was having panic attacks over Math she was coming home bewildered by her English.  "It's kindergarten spelling words!" she told me kind of excited.  When the first spelling test came home as a multiple choice test she pulled it out and declared "We don't even have to spell on our spelling tests!" This just all seemed so wrong to me.  She went from never having a problem with math to a total disaster and from the gifted program in Germany for her outstanding reading/writing/spelling abilities to kindergarten multiple choice spelling tests in third grade. The answer was whispering every day in the back of my mind: HOME SCHOOL.
   Matt was getting ready to leave us for a 6 month deployment.  This meant he would be gone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.  The thought of not being with family for those holidays made me so so sad.  But that 20 hour drive to California or Utah just wouldn't be worth it if I couldn't stay for quite a few weeks.  I talked to both the kids schools about the possibility of missing the couple of weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas break and was met with less than helpful administrators who weren't the least bit compassionate about our situation.  Again the whisper entered my mind: HOME SCHOOL.
  I watched the Monday through Friday schedule of my kids and my heart hurt for what seemed to me to be a lack of opportunity to just be..... kids.  Play outside, build forts, cozy with Mom on the couch and read a book, paint, play tag, sleep in, find frogs, etc.  Again the quiet whispers. 
  Before I could take the leap though I had a few issues I needed to work through.  Feelings of self deprecation.  Feelings that I wasn't patient enough, smart enough, etc.  When I finally sat down and went over my list of reasons why I thought I shouldn't home school I realized all but one of them came back to my feeling inferior.  This is where a little prayer came into play.  As I prayed over this decision in my mind I saw myself as my Father in Heaven sees me.  I am smart.  I can teach these children....probably better than any teacher could, because I love them in a way no teacher ever will. Their success in this life is my number one priority during the short 18 years they live in my home and I am able to have an influence over it. 
   I am capable of patience.  This is an opportunity to continue to develop that talent and hopefully learn to love the time with my children.  I am their Mother, and when it comes to their well being I knew I could and WOULD rise to the occasion. I remembered that I was trusted to raise these children and that if I chose to take their secular education into my own hands....I would have the support of a loving Father in Heaven who knows so much better than I do what I am capable of.  Basically I felt peace about my decision and determination in a way I don't think I have ever felt it before. 
  The only negative that didn't have anything to do with ME was a fear of my kids becoming social outcasts.  This is what I've always been told about home schooled kids.  If they don't go to school....they don't function in society.  I believed it.  However over the past year I have been so surprised as friend after friend have told me, "I was home schooled" then I thought to myself, "hmmm, and you seem so normal....you must be one of the few normal ones."  My kids are very socially confident and appropriate, I was afraid to mess with that.
    This is where I have arrived with the whole "kids need to be socialized" thing.  I think it's bull.  Is it healthy to lock your kids up in the house where they have zero interaction with the outside world? Absolutely not.  Is going to school where you learn the pecking order of "the biggest and loudest and prettiest and most popular rule the school....the rest follow or are tortured" the healthiest way to socialize a child? I think not.  My kids will receive ample time to play with friends and take part in age appropriate activities.  And so...I decided to let that one go.  I do have a friend on "your kids are getting weird" watch though.  If my kids start turning into weirdos, she is to notify me immediately.  I know she will.
  And the last little bit of peace I needed came in knowing this: IF THIS IS A DISASTER- THEY CAN GO BACK TO PUBLIC SCHOOL NEXT YEAR. I don't hate public school.  I have loved my kids teachers....all of them! However I knew the time to try this was NOW.  I had a bit of a "now or never" feeling about it. 
  So I picked Hallie and Chase up from school a few weeks ago and asked them if they would like to home school.  We discussed the pros and cons of staying in public school, and homeschooling.  I ultimately made it their choice because I didn't want to start off our education at home with a battle.  They needed to want it as much as I did.  I was shocked when they both very quickly decided they would like to give it a try this year.  So with fear of judgement from friends, family, peers, and the schools we withdrew from school. 
  The past few weeks I have never felt so much support for a decision I have made.  There have been a few comments here and there of a negative nature that hurt so badly....mainly because I've gone into this on such unsteady feet.  When those words knock me down I've brushed myself off, told myself what other people think about this does NOT matter, and continued forward trying to stay positive. 
  So how is it going? Well....that's where the title of this post comes into play.  I'll keep you posted! I will be totally honest with you about the good, the bad and the ugly. 

The good: I have LOVED the positive 1 on 1 time with Hallie and Chase.  I'm amazed by their bright minds and the things they already know.  It has been so so exciting to begin gathering information and pouring knowledge into those little heads.  Taking on the mantle of TEACHER has caused me to start looking at everything in our day to day lives as a teaching/learning experience in a way I never have before.  I love it.  I love the curriculum we are using (Read The Well Trained Mind to learn more about the approach we are taking).  All electronics are off until 3:00.  We spend our time reading together, learning together, exercising together, etc.  After 3- the time is ALL theirs. 

The bad: Remember that patience thing I was talking about?  It HAS been an adjustment being together so so much.  No longer having the "me" time I had everyday during Paige's nap.  I know my limits though.  When Matt leaves I'm going to schedule a weekly "me" day and get a sitter.  I know I will need it.  Hopefully we will adjust and that aspect of things will get easier.

The ugly:  There isn't any yet, but I promise I will let you know if there is.  Well....I never made it into the shower today.  That was pretty ugly.
 
 

OKLAHOMA

Lets talk a little about Oklahoma. 

   Kelly and I (one of my best friends from HB) were reminiscing a while back about a conversation we had back in High School.  It went a little a little something like this:
"Where does everyone in the world want to live? America. Where does everyone in America want to live? California.  Where does everyone in California want to live? Huntington Beach.  So we pretty much live in the best place in the world."
    haha.  How naive we were! Don't get me wrong here- I LOVE Huntington Beach and miss it a ton.  However my eyes have been opened since those tender teenage years and I've learned a few things.  There is beauty everywhere, sometimes you just need to be willing to go out and find it, or to simply recognize it all around you.  We have loved every single place we've lived (except Rexburg, Matt hated Rexburg).  So let me rephrase, I have loved every single place we've lived.  There has been something fun, unique, beautiful, peaceful about every.single.place. 
  Here's where I'm going with this: When we found out we were moving to Oklahoma I can't begin to explain the reactions we got from people.  "Oklahoma? Ohhhhh, I'm SO sorry!" like our dog had just died, or it was a prison sentence.  Every time I got this reaction I replied with a simple question "Have you ever been there?" The answer was always the same.  "No."  So I disregarded their statement and continued to look forward to our soon to be life in Oklahoma.
   This brings me to point of this blog post, I LOVE Oklahoma.  Who knew, right? I really really love it here.  I came here knowing nothing of this state and continue to be impressed with this place we call home.  After the tornadoes hit this year I was on the phone with my Mom and she asked me "WHY on earth would ANYONE live there!?"  My answer just popped out of my mouth without thinking twice "Because of the people."  Seriously, Oklahoma has seen some turmoil.  The tornadoes here destroy homes every year, and yet....the area keeps growing.  It was amazing watching the news and seeing first hand the local response from our community after this years devastating tornadoes.  There weren't people crying for FEMA or the Red Cross.  There were churches opening their doors, people running to the aid of their neighbors, donations pouring in, congregations banding together to serve their brothers.  We were commanded to "Love One Another" and Oklahomans know what that means.  I feel blessed to live amongst these people. 
Here's a few more things I love about Oklahoma:
*Estate Sales! Seriously- I'm addicted.
*The food.  There are so many fun restaurants and random food stands to try out. They never disappoint!
*My neighborhood- I have a really beautiful neighborhood with great neighbors and an awesome pool!
*Thrifting.  Some of the best I've found.
*The country feel.  Who doesn't love a cowboy?
*The state fair.  Love it.
*My church family. 
*Our home.  I love love love our home.  I will hate to leave it in a few years.
*The super long falls and super long springs.
I could go on and on.  Instead I'll share pictures of the latest love we discovered- Turner Falls.

 Last Friday we skipped town and drove and hour and a half away to Turner Falls with our good friends The Davis'.  It was such a fun day.  Karen was toting her 6 week old baby with her and they were such champs out in the heat.  I stole the above picture from Karen.  We parked ourselves under this tree for a few hours with our picnic lunches and let the kids (and the husbands) enjoy playing in the waterfall.  It was a perfect day.

 Another area of the falls had this big natural spring lake with water slides you could fall to your death on slide down VERY fast into the water.  There was about a 15 foot drop from the bottom of the slide to the water.  The kids were terrified.  haha.

 They were also very brave at times. 

 I love my girls.

At the conclusion of our day we went and got some AMAZING barbecue followed up with some delicious "fried pies".  (I'm telling you people, the FOOD here!)

 

Aren't you kind of wishing you were here in Oklahoma too right now?  I TOLD you!

 

Hello summer, we've been waiting for you.

Welcome to our summer.   

Being outside and in our swimsuits is our favorite family pastime.

Preferably at a beach.

This splash park turned out to be PRETTY awesome though.

I think we will be spending a lot of our summer here, watermelon in hand.

I purposely cut HUGE watermelon slices for photographic cuteness purposes, and it did NOT disappoint.

Just look at all this kid/watermelon deliciousness.

I'm in love with Chases hair right now.  It has the perfect amount of flip to it.

Paige spent her day wandering from one spray/squirting device to another...giant watermelon in hand.

I love this happy girl.

Once Paige had taken at least one bite out of every watermelon slice we had, she decided it was time to include bunny in the fun. 

Have you met bunny?

Bunny is Paige's favorite person.  She can't function without bunny.

I have a spare bunny so while I'm washing one (bunny gets FILTHY) she can have the other.

I'm an enabler.

I have bad dreams about bunny disappearing and having to face the wrath of Paige.

Not really.

By the time we were ready to leave bunny weighed about 10 lbs.

SOAKED.



Oooooh she's yummy.

Paige really likes the taste of splash pad water.  It's the best kind.  Straight from the Swiss alps.

Seesters.

Chase and his buddy Hayden

It was a good good day.  The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Matt was home, but I guess we can't have everything!

I still blog....sometimes.

 

 

Life is really good.  I look around me everyday and feel overwhelmingly blessed. 

I have beautiful, happy, healthy, smarty, funny children.

I have a funny, handsome, good, hardworking husband.

I have a dog that's soooooo much better than the last one.

We have a beautiful home.

We live in a wonderful neighborhood.

I kind of love Oklahoma.

We love our Church and the friends we have made there.

The Lord has truly blessed me.....and I'm grateful.

 

Of course things aren't always roses and sunshine, and I hope I don't let off a false sense of perfection, because things certainly aren't perfect. 

However I'm still grateful.

 

 

 

Paige is all of a sudden the funniest little toddler.  She's talking more and more everyday and the things that come out of her mouth make me bust out laughing all day long.  I love spending my days with her....now.  If you had asked me a month or so ago about Paige I might have tried to give her away.  She spent a solid 5 months being AWFUL.  She screamed that high pitched-want to claw your ears out so you can't hear it anymore-scream all.day.long.

It was a hard 5 months.

But we seem to have turned a corner and left the she devil behind.  Thank goodness.

 

Hallie is awesome.  That's really all I can say.

I like hanging out with her!

If I was 7, I would want to be her friend.

She's kind, and funny, and smart, and thoughtful.

 

Chase is also awesome.  He is super smart and really funny.

He started winking at me last week and it makes my day when he does it.

He's going to be a lady killer.

He's also the neatest little boy I've ever seen. 

I watched him this morning after he got socks out of his top drawer, he noticed some of the drawers on his dresser weren't all the way closed.  So he closed them all.

This might not seem like that big of a deal...unless you saw Hallie's dresser which looks like it has been ransacked. He makes his bed every morning (without being asked) and his bedroom is always spotless.  I'm thinking there might be a little OCD there, but if it means a clean room....

I'm cool with it. :)

He's just a pleasure to have around.

Sometimes Paige gets outside naked.  She's got such a cute naked bum and gigantic belly button, I can't bring myself to clothe her.  She's going to hate this picture when she grows up.  :)

 

 

I guess after living in Germany I feel like my blog is going to always seem boring compared to the adventures of the past 4 years.  I'm so so happy though, and I'll keep blogging the day to day.

 

In other news:

Matt came home last week and told me that he is pretty much going to be gone for the next 8 out of 12 months.  Blurg.

I start crying when I think about it too much.

He's looking at a 6 month deployment coming up and a 2 month training before that.

THIS is the part of the military that's lame.

Although we have managed to dodge the long deployment bullet for the past 6 years.

I guess it's our turn.

To make me feel better you can all send me packages during his deployment to perk me up.

Isn't that a good idea?

I like chocolate.