The dog. Torturing the children.

Christmas Market-ing

The Christmas Markets in Europe are so much fun to visit this time of year (the only time of year you CAN visit them).  We went to one tonight that was set up in some caves or dungeons or something under an old Castle or Fortress (I know...super specific).  Anyways, it was a neat set up.  We got there and realized that we had left our SD card for our camera in the computer.  Oops.  LUCKILY I had my new Flip video camera that Matt gave me for Christmas (EARLY) with me.  So I got a couple videos for your viewing pleasure.

You can thank me later.

BAKLAVA

So posting this recipe is something I've meant to do for a long time, but I felt like I had to MAKE it and take pictures along the way before I could post it.  What better time of year to make Baklava than Christmas?  This is my Mom's recipe that is pretty much world famous.  Lemme tell ya, I've been to Greece, Matt's been to Turkey, and my Mom's baklava is better than theirs.  I'm just saying.  So here's my Christmas present to you (have you ever had so much build up to a recipe?  Ya, it's THAT good.). 

Prepare 24 hours ahead of serving.
Heat Oven to 300 degrees
9X13 pan- greased
5 cups walnuts finely chopped (21oz)
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
1 lb fillo dough (phyllo dough)
1 cup melted butter
12 oz honey

 This is what Fillo dough looks like.  You can get it in the freezer section at the grocery store near the pastries.  Put it in your fridge when you get home, it's good in the fridge for 4 weeks.  Sit it out on the counter an hour before you start making the baklava so it's room temperature.

Start out by chopping up those walnuts.  This is the worst part of the job...it takes forever!  You want them really finely chopped.

 They should look a little something like this.  Once you're done chopping, mix nuts, sugars and spices in medium bowl.

 Next, melt your butter and butter your pan.

 Before I get out the dough I usually tape a few sheets of wax paper to the counter to make clean up easier.

This is what your dough will look like when it's out of the package.  Looks like paper.

 Cover your dough with a wash cloth to keep it from drying out.

 Take one sheet of dough and fold it in half.  Then spread it with the melted butter.  Take another sheet of dough, fold it in half also, lay it on top of your piece you buttered, then butter that one too.  So with two sheets of dough, folded in half and stacked, the dough will be 4 sheets thick.  Make sense? If you run out of butter toward the end...just melt some more!

 Once you've buttered your second sheet of dough, your're going to use a big spoon to sprinkle your walnut mixture about an inch and a half thick across the LONG edge of the dough.

 Roll snugly from the edge you sprinkled your nut mixture.

 It should look like a hot dog.

Grease your PAN! Then,  place it in your pan.  As you ad more and more rolls you can really squish them in there.  Make it a tight fit.

 This is what my set up usually looks like.

 Once your pan is full, butter the whole thing generously.  Make sure you get the ends and in the cracks really good.

 Cut into one inch squares.

 Bake at 300 degrees for 45-60 minutes until light golden brown.

When they're really hot, right out of the oven, drizzle with honey.  Don't miss the edges and the ends! Once you're done with the honey, cover the pan and let it sit for 24 hours.  It will be delicious a few hours after you've made it....but even BETTER the next day!  If it tastes too dry, add more honey!

I know the dough is hard to work with, it tears really easy.  If it tears, just piece it back together and keep going.  It doesn't have to look perfect.  Just make sure it's firmly wrapped and it will taste AMAZING.  Makes great gifts for neighbors and friends.

You're WELCOME!

ps- my mom puts them in small candy papers (looks like mini cup cake papers) to give them out as gifts.  I just stick them on a paper plate.  Because I'm fancy like that.  :)

My day looked a little something like this:

In a perfect world these pictures would be in the reverse order.....but today is not my day.  I didn't want to wait to reload them AGAIN. 

I cut bangs again...

And I'm really glad I did.

Pretty girl.

We got back to Germany two days ago, and Hallie was back in school today.  Jet lag and all.  Little trooper.  When I picked her up I asked her teacher if she had fallen asleep during the day, and she said that she hadn't.  I was shocked.  When I opened her school folder, I was giddy with happiness to have finally gotten her school pictures.  I love school pictures.....and she looks so stinkin cute this one. 

   We're readjusting to our lives nicely.  The kids seem happy to be back in their own house with their Dad and their dog.  I REALLY missed our dog (eye roll).  I'm happy to have a husband again.  It turns out that he's not deploying any time soon.  As soon as we got this news we started planning our trip back home to Germany, since there wasn't any reason for us to stay in California anymore.  The trip back this time was SUPER easy, an anwers to the prayers of a very stressed out Mom. 

I have some really fun pictures from our stay in California that I'll post as soon I unpack the camera.  This may take weeks.  :)

In order to stay current....

I figured I should PROBABLY put up our Halloween pictures.  We had such a good time spending Halloween with my family and the kids LOVED dressing up like super heros with all of their cousins.

Matt's pumpkins that he carved.  He was sooooo proud of them.

Chase was flash gordon.  He took his resposiblity as a super hero VERY seriously.

and our little wonder woman was one hot number.

Matt's cousin Kambree was able to drive down with her two kids from San Diego and go to our Church Halloween party with us.  Hallie and Ensely JUST so happened to have the same costume.  They were sooooo excited.

Matt's pride and joy.

Side note:  I was all ready to head home to Germany a week ago when I got a phone call from Matt informing me that he was being deployed for two months and he felt very strongly I should stay here in HB with my family while he was gone.  I decided that with the holidays coming up, and in light of recent events, it was probably best to be here with so many people I love.  I REALLY miss my home and my life in Germany though, and I'll be excited to get back to it after Christmas.

How we've been spending our California vacation:

 in the SUN!!!

Refiners Fire?

When I wrote a post about what transpired on Monday it was mainly because I didn't want to have to tell people face to face.  Or on the phone.  So many people knew we were expecting another baby, people ask about how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, when I'm due...all the time.  I didn't want to have to look into every single face and tell them we had lost the baby.  See them feel akward and uncomfortable and sad, and them to see me start to tear up for the ten millioneth time.  So if I wrote it, it was out there and I didn't have to deal with it. 
   What I didn't expect was the OUTPOURING of love.  We are so blessed.  We have been blessed with good friends everywhere we go.  We have been blessed with wonderful, loving families.  I didn't expect that every single comment would make me feel a little bit better, would fill up the empty space in my heart right now.  I'm grateful for those kind comments and prayers.  I'm grateful for the meals friends have brought.  The delicious cookies (you can bet I ate an entire dozen of c.c. cookies on my own).  The yummy breads.  The offers of help with the kids.  The WONDERFUL husband who has spent the last two days by my side, comforting me when the tears start to fall again, and doing a better a job at the keeping this house clean then I ever seem  capable of. 
  Everything yesterday went good (if you can consider what had to be done "good").  I was in the hospital from 9 am to 7 pm and spent most of the afternoon playing scrabble with Matt.  Someday I'll beat him.  Although he does cheat.  I came home to sweet babies who had missed me all day (well, Hallie didn't REALLY miss me since she got the spend the day with her best best friend.  I'll just pretend she did).  I came home to yummy soup and corn bread from my neighbor.  Had friends stop by to hug me, bring me delicious treats that will only make my waistline bigger (I'm cool with that for a few days) and a cozy couch to snuggle into and cry. 
   I've never experienced real "loss".  I've only had great grandparents die who were at an age where I was happy to see them move on to a better place.  I've had a pretty easy life.  I do believe we are given trials in life so we can learn from them, grow closer to our Lord, and hopefully come out of it a better person than before.  I think of things that others have gone through that make this trial look so so small, but for me it's the biggest so far.  I know our Father in Heaven doesn't make mistakes (thanks Nicole) and I'm determined to learn the lesson from this experience that he has in store for me.  I want to come out of this a better person.  One who understands other's pain a little bit better.  A person who has a greater understanding of my place in this world.  A better Mom and a better wife.  And in the future...there will be more babies and I'll love them in a different way than I ever have, because I know what it's like to lose one of them. 
  So thanks again for all the love and support....it meant more than you know.  :)

A hard day. A really hard day.

I was sitting there in the Anestheologists office filling out paper work for surgery tomorrow.  Checking boxes.  No, I don't have kidney disease.  Nope, I don't have heart problems.  No, no, no, no, no.  Last question, "Could you be pregnant?" Check yes or no.  I checked both.  I didn't know how to answer that question.  Are you still considered pregnant when you have a baby inside of you whose heart has stopped beating?  Who no longer has life?  Am I pregnant still, right now while I'm sitting here filling out paper work to have this baby removed from my body?  Did I do something wrong?  Did I eat something I shouldn't have?  This baby was healthy.  I watched it move and wiggle and watched it's healthy heart beat at a healthy rate only a few weeks ago.  I saw it's cute profile and knew it was going to look like Hallie and Chase.  I'm 14 weeks along now.  I was supposed to be out of the woods.  Time to share the happy news.  I had a lady at church yesterday comment on my cute baby bump.  My pants can't button.  I have finally stopped feeling like I'm going to throw up all the time.  I couldn't wait to get to California next week and go shopping for some cute pregnant clothes.  April is the perfect time of year to have a baby.  Matt wanted to wait to tell his family at Christmas time and suprise them with my big, round belly.  My family already knows.  My kids know they're going to have a little brother or sister.  Hallie told her teacher. 
   When the Doctor put the ultrasound wand on my stomach today it was to check for any birth defects (my Dr does an ultrasound at every appointment on everyone) I looked at the sweet little baby, it's sweet little face and tummy.  Then I noticed there was no bright light flashing to represent the heart.  The Dr. said nothing, just kept probing and pushing on my belly.  Trying to make the baby move.  I knew there was something wrong.  I asked him, "Is the baby's heart beating?"  He stopped what he was doing, looked at me with sad eyes and said, "No, it's not.  Something is wrong."  Then the tears started flowing.  I couldn't believe how freely they flowed.  I don't like crying in front of other people.  He said, "I'm so sorry, the baby is not alive.  It stopped growing a week ago, it does not move, and has no heart beat."  I replied with tears running down my face, "it's ok."  He looked at me again with his sad eyes and said, "No, it's not ok."  He was right.  It's not ok.  I'm not ok.  I'm sad, and had to get this news alone.  Then try to hold it together through the signing of the paper work to have surgery tomorrow.  Had to try to hold it together while I went to the hospital to fill out paper work.  Had to try to hold it together in the elevator, walking through the parking lot, then got into my car and lost it. 
    I'm grateful to know that there are more babies in the future, but I can't help but grieve for this one.  I'm grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who I know is watching over me right now, who knows my pain.  I'm grateful for motherhood and for being a Mom.  I pray this passes quickly and my life can carry on as normal.  Isn't it funny how when you hurt all you want is your Mom?  A Mom who you can hug, and sob into her shoulder.  Now that I am a Mom I think the reason that we yearn so greatly for our Mothers is because she is the only person on earth who can come close to feeling your pain.  When your child hurts, you hurt.  And it's comforting to have someone to hug that understands what you're going through and hurts right along with you.  I wish I could call my Mom right now, but it's the middle of the night for her.  Maybe I'll call her anyways.

A lovely Sunday afternoon...

We walked down to the local train station to take some family pictures for some friends.  I couldn't resist snapping a few of my own lovelies.  It's not that I like to take more pictures of Hallie, it's just that Chase will NOT cooperate when I point the camera at him.  He looks down and runs away. 

Back to School Open House

 It was the back to school open house at Geilenkirchen Elementary School yesterday (Hallie attends school on the Nato base, it's a school only for the American children).  I had so much fun getting shown around the classroom by my cute little 5 year old.  She loves school so much and really really loves her teacher.  This (above) was her checklist of what she needed to show me in the room.

 Here's Hallie reading me all the names of the kids in her class.  It's phenominal to me how fast kids learn.  Amazing.

This is MY favorite thing in her class.  It's called a smart board.  Those of you who have kids in school may have seen these before, but this was a first for me.  I was totally blown away.  It works just like a white board but it's actually a big computer screen.  It senses when you're writing on it and with which color and digitally draws as you write.  It's used to show the kids video clips, pictures, everything you could need a computer for in the classroom.  AND it's a white board.  I want one in my house.  In the kitchen maybe.  :)

It was a fun day getting to peek into Hallie's new world.