Refiners Fire?

When I wrote a post about what transpired on Monday it was mainly because I didn't want to have to tell people face to face.  Or on the phone.  So many people knew we were expecting another baby, people ask about how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, when I'm due...all the time.  I didn't want to have to look into every single face and tell them we had lost the baby.  See them feel akward and uncomfortable and sad, and them to see me start to tear up for the ten millioneth time.  So if I wrote it, it was out there and I didn't have to deal with it. 
   What I didn't expect was the OUTPOURING of love.  We are so blessed.  We have been blessed with good friends everywhere we go.  We have been blessed with wonderful, loving families.  I didn't expect that every single comment would make me feel a little bit better, would fill up the empty space in my heart right now.  I'm grateful for those kind comments and prayers.  I'm grateful for the meals friends have brought.  The delicious cookies (you can bet I ate an entire dozen of c.c. cookies on my own).  The yummy breads.  The offers of help with the kids.  The WONDERFUL husband who has spent the last two days by my side, comforting me when the tears start to fall again, and doing a better a job at the keeping this house clean then I ever seem  capable of. 
  Everything yesterday went good (if you can consider what had to be done "good").  I was in the hospital from 9 am to 7 pm and spent most of the afternoon playing scrabble with Matt.  Someday I'll beat him.  Although he does cheat.  I came home to sweet babies who had missed me all day (well, Hallie didn't REALLY miss me since she got the spend the day with her best best friend.  I'll just pretend she did).  I came home to yummy soup and corn bread from my neighbor.  Had friends stop by to hug me, bring me delicious treats that will only make my waistline bigger (I'm cool with that for a few days) and a cozy couch to snuggle into and cry. 
   I've never experienced real "loss".  I've only had great grandparents die who were at an age where I was happy to see them move on to a better place.  I've had a pretty easy life.  I do believe we are given trials in life so we can learn from them, grow closer to our Lord, and hopefully come out of it a better person than before.  I think of things that others have gone through that make this trial look so so small, but for me it's the biggest so far.  I know our Father in Heaven doesn't make mistakes (thanks Nicole) and I'm determined to learn the lesson from this experience that he has in store for me.  I want to come out of this a better person.  One who understands other's pain a little bit better.  A person who has a greater understanding of my place in this world.  A better Mom and a better wife.  And in the future...there will be more babies and I'll love them in a different way than I ever have, because I know what it's like to lose one of them. 
  So thanks again for all the love and support....it meant more than you know.  :)

A hard day. A really hard day.

I was sitting there in the Anestheologists office filling out paper work for surgery tomorrow.  Checking boxes.  No, I don't have kidney disease.  Nope, I don't have heart problems.  No, no, no, no, no.  Last question, "Could you be pregnant?" Check yes or no.  I checked both.  I didn't know how to answer that question.  Are you still considered pregnant when you have a baby inside of you whose heart has stopped beating?  Who no longer has life?  Am I pregnant still, right now while I'm sitting here filling out paper work to have this baby removed from my body?  Did I do something wrong?  Did I eat something I shouldn't have?  This baby was healthy.  I watched it move and wiggle and watched it's healthy heart beat at a healthy rate only a few weeks ago.  I saw it's cute profile and knew it was going to look like Hallie and Chase.  I'm 14 weeks along now.  I was supposed to be out of the woods.  Time to share the happy news.  I had a lady at church yesterday comment on my cute baby bump.  My pants can't button.  I have finally stopped feeling like I'm going to throw up all the time.  I couldn't wait to get to California next week and go shopping for some cute pregnant clothes.  April is the perfect time of year to have a baby.  Matt wanted to wait to tell his family at Christmas time and suprise them with my big, round belly.  My family already knows.  My kids know they're going to have a little brother or sister.  Hallie told her teacher. 
   When the Doctor put the ultrasound wand on my stomach today it was to check for any birth defects (my Dr does an ultrasound at every appointment on everyone) I looked at the sweet little baby, it's sweet little face and tummy.  Then I noticed there was no bright light flashing to represent the heart.  The Dr. said nothing, just kept probing and pushing on my belly.  Trying to make the baby move.  I knew there was something wrong.  I asked him, "Is the baby's heart beating?"  He stopped what he was doing, looked at me with sad eyes and said, "No, it's not.  Something is wrong."  Then the tears started flowing.  I couldn't believe how freely they flowed.  I don't like crying in front of other people.  He said, "I'm so sorry, the baby is not alive.  It stopped growing a week ago, it does not move, and has no heart beat."  I replied with tears running down my face, "it's ok."  He looked at me again with his sad eyes and said, "No, it's not ok."  He was right.  It's not ok.  I'm not ok.  I'm sad, and had to get this news alone.  Then try to hold it together through the signing of the paper work to have surgery tomorrow.  Had to try to hold it together while I went to the hospital to fill out paper work.  Had to try to hold it together in the elevator, walking through the parking lot, then got into my car and lost it. 
    I'm grateful to know that there are more babies in the future, but I can't help but grieve for this one.  I'm grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who I know is watching over me right now, who knows my pain.  I'm grateful for motherhood and for being a Mom.  I pray this passes quickly and my life can carry on as normal.  Isn't it funny how when you hurt all you want is your Mom?  A Mom who you can hug, and sob into her shoulder.  Now that I am a Mom I think the reason that we yearn so greatly for our Mothers is because she is the only person on earth who can come close to feeling your pain.  When your child hurts, you hurt.  And it's comforting to have someone to hug that understands what you're going through and hurts right along with you.  I wish I could call my Mom right now, but it's the middle of the night for her.  Maybe I'll call her anyways.

A lovely Sunday afternoon...

We walked down to the local train station to take some family pictures for some friends.  I couldn't resist snapping a few of my own lovelies.  It's not that I like to take more pictures of Hallie, it's just that Chase will NOT cooperate when I point the camera at him.  He looks down and runs away.